> ACT 1 PART 2
> Be Patchouli.
That is not Patchouli.
Remilia insists that she should be the star of this chapter, as she is the master of the mansion in which Patchouli resides, and also has PURPLE HAIR.
Unluckily for her, Remilia has failed to realize that her NAME and STRONG VISUAL THEME puts her squarely within the domain of the RED COMMAND INTERPRETER. The only command you can give Remilia with the PURPLE COMMAND INTERPRETER is “Charisma break”.
> Actually be Patchouli.
You are PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE, THE UNMOVING GREAT LIBRARY. You are REMILIA SCARLET’S oldest friend, and you reside in the library of her gigantic estate, the SCARLET DEVIL MANSION.
You are a HIGHLY ACCOMPLISHED ELEMENTAL MAGICIAN. You have full command of the FIVE-PHASE ELEMENTAL CYCLE, plus the POSITIVE and NEGATIVE forces of SUN and MOON. Your repertoire is so well-rounded that you can use a different element for each day of the week and still have spells to spare. And you often do!
You have succeeded in creating the PHILOSOPHER’S STONE, the ultimate alchemical creation. As such, you have obtained ETERNAL YOUTH. Unfortunately, you later discovered that the stone does not provide ETERNAL HEALTH, and so your COMPLETE LACK OF EXERCISE over the past few decades has rendered you terribly weak, anemic, and asthmatic. You won’t die, but you really need to start getting in shape, because your condition is so bad that you’re not able to perform more than a few spells in a row.
The gatekeeper has offered to be your PERSONAL TRAINER, and you’ll probably take her up on it. Eventually. You know, maybe next year.
Your hands have been pretty full lately, in no small part due to REMILIA’S SHENANIGANS. Thanks to your wealth of knowledge on matters both magical and academic, you serve as her advisor on whatever crackpot scheme she has cooked up at any given time. Last year, you succeeded at building a rocketship to send Remi to the moon, and although her plan for LUNAR DOMINATION failed miserably, the spacecraft did work nicely, so you count it as a personal victory.
Things have been pretty interesting in general ever since Remi decided to move the SDM to Gensokyo. A little noisy for your tastes, but interesting.
Today is a special day! YUUGI HOSHIGUMA of the oni has sent out mass invitations to a GIGANTIC PARTY IN FORMER HELL as a gesture of FRIENDSHIP between the youkai of the surface and the underground, partially to ease tensions after RECENT EVENTS (of which you were a part). To be honest, you’d rather not go, as you find partying with oni to be a PRETTY UNAPPEALING PROSPECT. You don’t trust those oni one bit. However, Remi has insisted that she wants to bring a large entourage to the party so that she can make a DYNAMIC DEBUT. You’re not sure what she’s planning, but you figure you’d better go along to see what she’s up to (if only to simplify cleaning up the mess afterward).
If nothing else, it might give you a chance to test that bean danmaku you’ve been working on.
But right now, you have more pressing issues to deal with; you have a recurring problem with Black-White rats in your library.
She sure is moving fast today. How will you proceed?
> _
OOC: Before the next part, let’s enjoy some bonus content!
This is the basically the best Auto-Parry but sadly there is absolutely no way I’ll be able to work it into the story.
[ BGM ]
Sadly, the players decided not to take up the fairy on the offer for her Shiny Stone. That means you won’t get to fight the SECRET BOSS, Flandre posing as Culex.
Download the PASTEL ROMANCE DLC, and you can properly thank her for that cake. Just $14.99!
> Patchouli: Assist Remilia.
The crowd is none too pleased that Remi has attempted to upstage their beloved Yamame. Looks like you’ll need to save Remi’s bacon.
Your throwing arm is MORE THAN A LITTLE RUSTY. So much for PLAN A.
> Ichirin: Approach Keine.
You approach the Hakutaku and prepare to engage in DIPLOMANCY.
You bring up the most ubiquitous of all conversation starters, the weather. Keine appears confused because you’re underground.
Little does Keine know that this was a calculated response on your part, in order to make yourself appear knowledgable and interesting!
You explain to Keine that FORMER HELL experiences weather changes from time to time, including hot humid days, foggy conditions, or even snow in the winter! It’s a relatively mild day underground today, and therefore the weather is indeed quite nice.
Keine says “oh”.
She then confirms that your name is Ichirin Kumoi. She says she didn’t recognize you at first because of your new outfit.
You reply that you just wanted to dress up for the party for fun. You add that Keine doesn’t really need to do the same, since her outfit is already one of the BEST IN GENSOKYO. (This isn’t even an empty compliment, because it actually is.)
Keine looks a bit embarassed at the flattery.
You apologize and say you’re sorry for bothering her, and that you’ll leave her alone now.
Keine interjects and apologizes for her own behavior. Little does she know that this is ALSO a calculated maneuver on your part! It’s not very nice to guilt her like that, but you do want to help, and this will get her to talk about what’s actually bothering her.
She explains that she convinced a friend of hers to come to the party with her, but that the friend never showed up. Being stood up is one thing, but she adds that she wonders if she shouldn’t have pushed her friend to come in the first place and that it’s her own fault.
Furthermore, Keine adds, it seems the fact that NO HUMANS WERE INVITED was a deliberate move, as the oni don’t seem to be too happy about her being here. She feels like she shouldn’t have come at all and that she should just go home.
You tell Keine to cheer up. It isn’t her fault if her friend didn’t want to come, some people are just too shy to enjoy being around strangers. One of your own friends seems to have run off too, so she’s not alone there.
You ask her to hang out with you, since most of your fellow followers will probably be busy getting hammered and you need someone to explore the party with.
Keine quietly nods and says okay.
Ichirin, you sly devil! You’ve made Keine play right into your hands! You’re going to give her so much FRIENDSHIP and SUPPORT and CHERISHED MEMORIES, she won’t even know what hit her.
Ichirin: Explore party with new companion.
You wonder if they have that ring toss game. You’re awesome at those!
However, after walking down the street a short way, you realize Keine has stopped behind you. You ask her what’s wrong.
Keine hurriedly unfurls her scroll, and orders everyone to hold still!
~
What happened next is a blur. Keine’s power seemed to wrap around everyone and cause them to vanish, just as THE VAST GAP descended upon you.
The next thing you knew, you woke up here. Satori was the first person you found, and the rest of you met up shortly after.
> Patchouli: Explain.
You explain that Keine has the ABILITY TO EAT HISTORY. The exact mechanics of this are rather vague, but basically she is able to temporarily (or permanently?) “eat” the history of a person or place, causing it to vanish.
Keine was probably trying to save everyone from IMPENDING GAP-RELATED DOOM. During the IMPERISHABLE NIGHT INCIDENT, she was able to use her ability to hide the entire HUMAN VILLAGE, so it isn’t a stretch to say she could have hidden everyone at the party, as well as everyone for a few miles around. That would explain why almost everybody is gone.
This does raise a few more questions though. Keine apparently hid herself as well, so how did she plan to release everyone afterwards? She’s not stupid, so she must have had some kind of plan. Also, why were each of you left behind? You don’t seem to have anything in common (besides the obvious superficial similarity). Ichirin was even standing right next to Keine. Did something go wrong?
You suggest that you all continue with your stories so that you can piece together more information.
> END OF ACT 1 PART 1
Who will go next?
> SELECT PLAYER: _
> Ichirin: Add Aya to inventory.
You guess you better do something about this. You decide to take Aya with you until she comes to her senses. Unzan’s expression seems to indicate he’d prefer to leave her to suffer her well-deserved punishment, but he doesn’t voice any complaint.
However, you can’t add a person to your inventory, silly! Not unless they have the passive ability that lets you do that, like Nazrin.
You EQUIP Aya instead. Doing so grants you a modest speed boost.
> Ichirin: Get to the concert!!
It’s too late to grab a spot next to the stage, but you should be able to get a good view by flying. Hurry!
You manage to grab a PRIME SPOT on a nearby roof. It’s not very close, but you have a clear, comfortable view.
> Unzan: Complain about modern music.
All flash, no substance. All a REAL musician needs is a shamisen and a good singing voice. None of these silly light shows. Didn’t need speakers either, because everyone was polite and kept their damn mouth shut so they could hear the damn song.
Back in your day, performers traveled uphill in the snow to villages all over Kyushu to play for tips, and most of them were blind to boot! You’d like to see this Kurodani girl try to sing without her newfangled fancy AUTOTUNES and DUBSTEPS and LATTES (you don’t actually know what any of these things are).
Bah, forget it, Ichirin’s not listening. Can’t find anyone who appreciates proper music nowadays. Makes you wish there were some koto tsukumogami running around or something.
> Ichirin: GET HYPE.
The lights are dimming! The show’s about to start!!
[ BGM ]
> Patchouli: 2x Facepalm Combo.
You knew something like this would happen, but still.
> Ichirin: Go elsewhere.
You guess Yamame isn’t performing until later. Nothing to see here. Well, except for two of Gensokyo’s biggest names slugging it out, but you’re not too interested in things like that.
Aya senses the POTENTIAL HEADLINE and awakens. She unequips herself from you and goes to take pictures, without a word of thanks to you. Oh well.
You head back towards the square, where there is plenty of socialization going on. 
You manage to get a look at the VIP Table. Byakuren’s over there, along with a whole bunch of other important people. They’re getting pretty rowdy over there, and obviously very drunk. It looks like a bunch of them are playing around with their ABILITIES.
You look around for another of your fellow Buddhists, but first you spot someone else who catches your attention.
It’s Keine! Making friends with her might be a good way to get her to trust the temple more. She looks pretty depressed about something, though. Is she here by herself?
> _
> Ichirin: Check Affection Points.
AFFECTION POINTS are not a visible stat. You can tell when you’re gaining them, but they are affected over time by a multitude of invisible factors. You’re never sure which route you’re headed for!
Maybe you should decide who you’ll focus on, in order to try to get the route you want. Would you prefer:
- The cute, lighthearted Kyouko Route?
- The deep, introspective Nazrin Route?
- The dramatic, emotional Mamizou Route?
- The wacky, sexy Nue Route?
- The cliche, poorly-written Shou Route?
- A replay of Minamitsu Route? (You got the NEUTRAL END last time.)
- The secret Pastel Route?
There is no Byakuren Route. The best girl never has a route.
You think on it for a while, and decide that this train of thought is INCREDIBLY STUPID.
> Ichirin: Stop gloating over successful counterprank.
Right. It wouldn’t be proper to give Nue a hard time about it, or to get too cocky, since the success of your plan can mostly be attributed to Miss Gateau, and also because it’s just not very nice to begin with.
Plus, getting into a prank war with Nue might be starting something you can’t finish. You got lucky this time.
You’ll try to have a good laugh about it with Nue later.
> Ichirin: Show Yuugi the note.
You show Yuugi the FRIENDLY THREATENING LETTER and tell her that a bridge troll dropped it when she saw you, and fled. Yuugi skeptically asks you if YOU’RE SURE the troll didn’t say anything. You nervously tell her she didn’t.
Yuugi gives you another HEARTY PAT ON THE BACK and tells you not to worry about it. She says she’ll get Byakuren to her seat and then go find Parsee.
They head off, and most of your group scatters towards various attractions as well. You’re free to roam the party now.
> Ichirin: Thank Unzan.
You get your takoyaki from Unzan and promptly enjoy a bite of it. Good stuff, very spicy though. You wonder if it’s made with some kind of HELL OCTOPUS.
You thank Unzan, and he simply nods. This is business as usual for him; you can’t remember the last time you dropped something that Unzan did not recover with a SWEET CATCH.
> Ichirin: Check on Aya.
Isn’t this that tengu reporter/voyeur everybody’s always complaining about?
Looks like Nue wasn’t joking about the mind-destroying properties of her panties. You give her a nudge to see if she’s okay.
Looks like she’ll live.
Suddenly, you see the stage in the back starting to light up! Could Yamame’s concert be starting already!?
> _
> Unzan: Rescue Ichirin’s takoyaki.
The shock of Yuugi’s greeting causes Ichirin to drop her hard-earned takoyaki! You leap into action to save it.
> Ichirin: Examine Yuugi.
This is YUUGI HOSHIGUMA, easily the most well-known and influential oni in FORMER HELL. Though you have never spoken with her personally, you’ve seen her before and heard countless stories of her antics over the many years you’ve spent underground.
She apparently planned this entire party herself, sending out written invitations to well-known youkai all over Gensokyo (including Byakuren) and asking them to bring along any other youkai they wanted. She seems to be quite pleased with the turnout of the event, as her current mood appears to be OVERWHELMINGLY FRIENDLY.
> Ichirin: Avoid examining Yuugi’s boobs.
You fail miserably. Her MODESTY THRESHOLD is obviously miles below yours. You do your best to ignore her MONUMENTAL JUBBLIES, but this effort is soon rendered moot.
Yuugi puts you in a FRIENDLY HEADLOCK, informing you that you’re JUST THE KIND OF PEOPLE she was hoping would show up. Byakuren, sensing your distress, introduces herself and thanks Yuugi for inviting her, and when asked, confirms that you are one of her followers. Yuugi responds that Byakuren has GOOD TASTE IN MINIONS.
> Unzan: Rescue Ichirin’s hat.
The only time a man’s hat should touch the ground is to express his disgust.
> Ichirin: Give Yuugi the cake.
Time to give Houjuu a taste of her own medicine.
You produce the DELICIOUS BOOZECAKE you received from Pastel, telling Yuugi that it is a gift baked by CAPTAIN MURASA, who sends her BEST WISHES. Yuugi is more than pleased, saying that she had just now been wandering over here to find something to satisfy her sweet tooth!
You hand Yuugi the cake and quietly make note of Nue, who has pre-emptively retreated to the shadows to watch.
Yuugi decides that this is objectively THE BEST SAKE CAKE EVER MADE, and that Murasa should promptly be crowned as KING OF BAKERS.
You turn to see Nue’s reaction.
Slowly, it dawns on her. She has been counterpranked. Counterpranked by the most unassuming person on the team. The fact that you did it in such a subtle and harmless manner entirely fitting your personality only twists the knife further.
It’s too bad you don’t have access to the BLACK COMMAND INTERPRETER, or you could watch the entertaining [Ѕ] Nue: Mental breakdown. You’ll have to settle for the still image above.
Nue retreats for now, so you turn your attention back to Yuugi.
Yuugi tells Byakuren that she has a seat for her at the VIP TABLE, and asks Byakuren to come with her to meet the other bigwigs in Gensokyo. Byakuren says she doesn’t think she deserves the special attention, but that she’d be delighted to meet them.
Yuugi gives her profuse thanks for the cake, and Byakuren asks if you need anything from her before she goes.
> Ichirin: Consider Parsee.
You wonder if you should bring up your encounter with the bridge troll with Yuugi. While this person is obviously someone Yuugi cares about, you might actually be getting her in more trouble by mentioning what she’d been doing.
What do you do?
> _
> Good heads.
> Ichirin: Proceed.
In order to finish the race, you need to clear your mind of all desires.
That means you’ll have to set aside your desire for some delicious takoyaki, as well as your desire to not lose your stylish hat, and your desire to not embarrass yourself in front of your friends.
But how can you win a race without the desire to win?
The answer is that it doesn’t matter.
FUN FACT: An average oni can clear 100 meters in three bounds, and despite their rambunctious nature, they are actually very good at keeping a calm mind.
What the oni are very bad at, however, is not getting overconfident when they’re about to win.
> Ichirin: Claim victory.
You emerge from the misty path, and it disappears, releasing your oni opponent as well.
The oni appears MOMENTARILY DISGRUNTLED, but takes his loss in stride.
You exchange a FRIENDLY HANDSHAKE, and he upholds his end of the bet by giving you the takoyaki.
You have scored TAKOYAKI FOR THE WHOLE PARTY! GREAT SUCCESS! Mamizou in particular is delighted to receive it. You have gained a few MAMIZOU AFFECTION POINTS, although you’re not really sure you want to wind up on her route.
Yuugi pats you on the back and tells you you put on a good show.
> _
[ Another fun fact: I wound up flipping a Canadian quarter because they have two heads (although one of them is a caribou) ]
> Ichirin: Consider challenges.
You try to think of things you could beat an oni at. A number of things that you could pretty much win by default immediately spring to mind, such as a soybean eating contest, a DUOTECH contest, a being-purple contest, and so on.
However, you realize that choices along these lines would be unsportsmanlike and not a good way to make friends underground. You might as well challenge him at being Kumoi Ichirin.
Think of a real challenge!
> Ichirin: Challenge oni to the 100-Meter Namusan.
You challenge the oni to the 100-Meter Namusan.
What the hell is the 100-Meter Namusan?
Kyouko overhears your exchange with the oni and steps in to explain the rules of the event! You are shocked to learn that the 100-Meter Namusan is an actual thing.
According to Kyouko, the 100-Meter Namusan is conducted on an illusionary road with countless twists and turns. It is for all intents and purposes a normal foot race, with one exception - unless your mind is at peace and free of desires, each step forward will in fact put you one step back. This challenge is fairly difficult. Between two ordinary competitors, it is likely that neither of them would be able to win!
She also mentions that, no, stepping backwards won’t move you forward, so no being a cheatyface.
The oni asserts confidence in his victory, because the oni are well-disciplined in Zen Buddhism. Of course, this event plays to one of your greatest strengths as well. This should be a good match.
Kyouko begins to conjure the road using her RITUALTECH. Looks like her training is coming along better than you thought.
> Ichirin: Prepare self.
You do a quick change back into your NUN’S GARB, which feels more appropriate for the task at hand, and take a relaxing breath.
Countless paths begin to form in front of you. Only a clear mind will lead you down the correct one.
It’s time to begin. A journey of a hundred meters beings with a single step.
> Stuffman: Determine outcome of race.
Let’s see. In addition to her racial levels, Ichirin probably has about 10 levels in Monk, so that’s a +30 ft enhancement bonus to her move speed, and she’d have strong Will saves as well.
I guess I’ll have to look in Oriental Adventures for the oni’s stats. That was never updated for 3.5, though…wait, it doesn’t even distinguish between red oni and blue oni. God damnit, Wizards. The one time you choose NOT to make a different statblock for a creature of every color of the rainbow, it had to be this one.
Screw it. I’ll decide it with a 1d2.
Er, a coin flip.
> Stuffman: Flip coin.
Call it.
> _
> Ichirin: Retroactively have picked up the money from your room.
Sure, why not? You scroll up back to the part where you were in your room and attempt to get the money.
Well, you should have expected that. While you can enter commands in the past, the COMMAND INTERPRETER will not allow you to perform actions that would contradict information or events you have seen further down the line. You can’t change anything; you can only fill in the gaps.
Furthermore, although the reason is obvious in this case, when the COMMAND INTERPRETER throws a TIME PARADOX ERROR, it will not tell you the reason for the error. This is an intentional design flaw to limit the power of NONLINEAR COMMAND INTERPRETER TECHNOLOGY.
> Ichirin: Consider sending Unzan to get your money.
No good. It took you about an hour to get here, so he wouldn’t be back for at least two.
> Ichirin: Consult with nearby fairy.
You ask a fairy if she would be willing to trade any YEN for your FAIRY DOLLARS.
She says that she doesn’t have any, but that she would be willing to sell you a SHINY STONE she found in exchange for your TWO FAIRY DOLLARS. While her offer is intriguing, it doesn’t really help your current situation.
> Ichirin: Ask the oni how much Fairy Dollars are worth.
Looks like FAIRY DOLLARS are only useful in dealing with FAIRIES.
> Ichirin: Explain situation.
You tell the oni that you forgot your money at home and that you’ll have to cancel your order, unless you can come to some kind of agreement.
The oni looks strangely pleased at this, and offers to SETTLE THE MATTER WITH A BET. He says you can challenge him at anything you please. If you win, you get your takoyaki for free! But if you lose…
…HE GETS TO TAKE YOU HOME.
Then he recalls that Yuugi said no abductions today, so he says that if you lose you have to give him your hat instead.
Will you give it a try? If you do, what will you challenge him at? You recall that oni are pretty good at A WHOLE LOT OF THINGS.
> _
> Rikako: Interrupt.
You ask Ichirin why she had to tell you about her entire day if it wasn’t relevant to what she saw leading up to the incident. She apologizes and says she’ll be getting to the important part soon.
Satori tells you to be quiet and asks Ichirin to continue.
Well FINE. When it’s your turn, you’re going to make everyone listen to you blather on about how your day was, too!
> Ichirin: Seek out fried foods.
The aroma of many DELICIOUS GREASY MORSELS wafts through the air. It’s about lunchtime, and after the flight here you could really go for some chow. Better eat before Yamame’s concert!
You offer to buy everyone some TAKOYAKI. Mamizou in particular is delighted to hear this.
You head down the street and into the crowd.
> Ichirin: Scout partygoers.
The turnout is as big as the Hakurei Shrine Festival! You recognize a few youkai that you’ve seen before, although you don’t really know their names. Everyone seems to be having a good time. You’ll make it a point to make some new friends today!
You don’t see any humans though, not even the ones that would usually be seen among youkai. You wonder why.
> Ichirin: Keep a lookout for Parsee.
You’re not exactly itching for another encounter with her, but you guess you’ll try to approach her again if you see her. Wouldn’t want Byakuren to have gotten slugged in the face for nothing.
> Ichirin: Ask Nazrin about her errand.
Too late, she’s already gone. Oh well. You hope she won’t shy away from the party entirely.
> Ichirin: Get some takoyaki.
It doesn’t take you long to find a takoyaki stand run by a friendly-looking red oni.
You order one for everyone, including Nazrin, planning to stash it in your inventory until she comes back.
When you reach into your coat for your wallet, you realize that all you have is TWO MEASLY FAIRY DOLLARS. You forgot to grab your money from your room, stupid!
> _
