> I didn’t get all of that. Text summary, please.
You never knew your parents; as far back as you can remember, you were living with your Great Granny Knowledge. Granny was the oldest and most respected witch of her coven. You had a traditional witch’s upbringing, learning how to brew potions and lay curses, and how to work the cauldron while unironically using the phrase “bubble, bubble, toil and trouble”. Granny took good care of you; you were about as happy as a little girl that was up to her teeth in the occult could be.
You were at least somewhat familiar with the rest of the witches. Granny’s coven had taken ownership of a forest in northern France, stepping out every once in a while to hassle the nearby villagers and make sure they kept their distance. The mountain you lived on was also in the shadow of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, home of the dread vampire Remilia Scarlet, which nobody dared approach; the coven was able to live in peace.
Unfortunately, that all ended one night when an army of torches and pitchforks marched in. You were woken up in the middle of the night by Granny, entrusted to one of her fellow witches, and ordered to run. An ordinary witch is a charmer, a fortune teller, a medicine woman, or something of the like - no match for an angry mob. So, the coven fled their homes, leaving only Granny to stay behind. You only remember hearing that she was going to “buy some time”. Except for catching sight of her cottage set aflame (an image that will forever be burned into your mind), that was the last time you ever saw her. Neither you nor any of the other witches would ever know what became of her.
The witches decided to run to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, to beseech Remilia Scarlet for sanctuary against their hunters. Remilia agreed, but only on the condition that all of you became her servants…and her slaves. With nowhere to run, the witches hesitantly agreed.
Remilia was a cruel master. She would assign overwhelming amounts of work or otherwise ridiculous tasks, sometimes ordering them to be redone over and over if she discovered some imperceptible flaw in the work done. All of this was apparently for her own amusement, as she would cackle with delight after leaving you to toil away. Woe became any who invoked her temper; she would often deal out harsh beatings, leaving the witches crumpled in pain. Ever fearful, you always worked around Remilia with the utmost care, and avoided the worst of it yourself.
Eventually, the witches decided they had had enough, and plotted to murder the mistress in her sleep, claiming the Scarlet Devil Mansion for themselves.
It didn’t work out.
After that night, you were the only one left. As you were the most “loyal” of her servants, Remilia had taken a liking to you, and decided to promote you from being her slave to her pet.
The months that followed were intensely stressful. Although you had Remilia’s favor, you were terrified of her, and dared not defy anything she said. You were dragged along with whatever whims Remilia had at the time, whether it was terrorizing the townsfolk or indulging in whatever the night life had to offer (often both at the same time).
Apparently sensing your discomfort, Remilia shocked you with a marriage proposal, seeming to think that the commitment would put you at ease. Of course, to you it was nothing more than a life sentence. But you didn’t dare to say no. In front of a congregation of demons, you are Remilia were joined in unholy matrimony. It was not a marriage of equals; rather than becoming Remilia’s wife, you became her concubine - her property.
Your tempestuous life with Remilia didn’t change much thereafter. She was always dragging you around, causing trouble, making you listen to her arrogant musings. It was almost too much for you to bear. And eventually, she caught on.
Once Remilia realized that you were not simply shy, but that you genuinely disliked her, she put you out of sight and out of mind (just as she had done with her own sister, though you didn’t know of her at the time). You were sealed inside the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s immense library in complete solitude, with the sole exception of the Servant Fliers that brought you your food. You were a prisoner; a locked girl.
However, after some time inside the library you began to realize that immense power was at your fingertips. With your background in witchcraft, you were able to quickly make sense of the countless tomes at your disposal and begin learning the art of the magician.
You don’t know how long you were in the library. Ten years, at least, doing nothing but amassing as much arcane power as possible. After the first few years, you could have escaped the library if you wanted, but you stayed, biding your time.
Maybe you wanted to get revenge on Remilia for killing your grandmother’s coven. Maybe you thought she was a blight on the world that needed to be destroyed. Maybe you just wanted to finish her so that you could be sure she would never come after you. It didn’t matter what the motive you came up with; the way you saw it, the only way your life could move forward was to defeat Remilia Scarlet. After years of exhausting study that had left you damaged, physically and emotionally, you completed the Philosopher’s Stone, attaining eternal youth and great power for yourself. It was time.
After making preparations, on a full moon’s night, you obliterated the seal on the library, marched up to Remilia’s throne room, and challenged her to a duel. Her reaction could only be described as sheer amusement, as she mocked your newfound abilities. You responded by attacking her with everything you had.
It didn’t work out.
Some time later, you awoke in your old bed in Remilia’s room, your body battered but recovering thanks to the power of the Philosopher’s Stone, and surprisingly, Remilia’s aid. She told you that you were the first person that had ever managed to wound her, and that she had decided you were too valuable to dispose of. You couldn’t find any words to say, and merely drifted back into unconsciousness. You were tired. So tired.
You were bedridden as you healed over the next few weeks. With the way she spoke to you, it seemed Remilia had begun to see you as a peer, and your will to fight against her melted away, leaving only the fatigue that the last decade of magical study had left on your body and mind.
You had been in your prison so long that you no longer knew how to live outside of it. And so, you retired back to the library, not to study magic anymore, but just to live among the books in solitude and reflect on what had become of you. Remilia left you to your own devices. She never quite said she was sorry, but many years later she admitted that what she did was wrong. That’s probably the closest thing to an apology that anyone will ever get out of her.
Since that time, Remilia has changed quite a bit, but you suppose you’ve mostly stayed the same…
That was some pretty heavy reminiscing. You better put down your READING MATERIAL for a while.
> Patchouli: Consider marriage.
Most people have no idea that you and Remilia are married, and the two of you never acknowledge it nowadays. You keep your ring in your room with various other irreplacables.
You are still technically Remilia’s CONCUBINE, which under DEMON COMMONLAW makes you her property. This sounds PRETTY CREEPY, but it does offer some fringe benefits.
To begin with, nobody can steal your soul, since technically it belongs to her. When working with the dark arts and magical artifacts, this is actually a pretty nice perk. Furthermore, you can make use of Remilia’s INCREDIBLY HIGH DEMON RANK in all matters of FIENDISH LAW, which, for instance, allowed you to competitively negotiate Koakuma’s contract (although in retrospect this has turned out to be NOT SUCH A GREAT DEAL). Also, if you die and are sent to hell, you will automatically acquire a DEMON RANK of your own right from the get-go, so when the Yama lectures you about sending you there you can just tell her to SIT ON IT.
You can’t get a divorce without Remilia’s approval. She has to release you. She would probably - PROBABLY - let you go if you asked, but there really isn’t any reason to do it. You’re already closer with Remilia than anyone else in the world, and you trust her with your life.
In the hundred years you’ve spent together, you’ve come to love her. Not really in a romantic sense, though, but not quite in a family sense either. It’s difficult to describe.
If only there was a SPECIFIC WORD for this kind of relationship.
> Stuffman: Draw shipping grid.
> NOT THE QUADRANTS. ANYTHING BUT THE QUADRANTS.
Ohhh yesss, the quadrants!
Hussie, you magnificent bastard! You’ve changed the face of shipping forever! Now we can ship four times as much! FOUR TIMES!
Wait, shit. What was all that crap I wanted to draw? Never mind, enter some commands.
[ I already have tons of material to work with that I’ll get to in a bit, but go ahead anyway ]